This coming Saturday is September 11, 2010.  It marks the 9th year since the 2001 terrorist attacks.  Many organizations throughout the USA will be holding remembrances in memorium of those who died during the attacks.  College football has a great slate of games lined up for Saturday, and I’m positive each stadium and school will hold ceremonies as a part of the day’s college football activities.

A church in Gainesville, FL has decided to take a slightly different stance and just burn some Korans to mark the date.  Ok, so some backwoods, ill-informed people want to act malicious and incite some hatred of their own…it’s a free country, right?  True, but there’s a problem that runs a bit deeper than just the State Department’s warning that it’s un-American and the fire official’s denial for a burn permit…about 200,000 people will be descending on Gainesville for a home football game between the Florida Gators and the USF Bulls.  Any attention or retaliation from the Koran burning has a large potential to endanger a lot of football fans.

Well, luckily for Sparty and Friends, we have a source in Gainesville that may or may not be enrolled in a graduate program and may or may not be currently setting up an on-campus gambling ring in the hopes that athletes will be ensnared in the illicit activities which will be followed shortly by a lack of institutional control ruling from the NCAA.  Anywho, our source may or may not have intercepted a phone call from the CIA to Athletic Director Jeremy Foley’s office:

CIA: “Hi. This is the CIA.  Can I speak to Mr. Foley please?”
Secretary: “Is this Lane Kiffin again?  You fooled me last time pretending you were Secret Service and also that time you called saying you were a Orlando-based leprechaun. I’m not falling for this again.”
CIA: *audible scribbling heard during a pause* “Ummm…no ma’am.  This is really the CIA.”
Secretary: “Ok, Mr. Kiffin, I’ll patch you through.”
CIA: *sigh* Thanks.
Jeremy Foley: “What is it this time, Lane?”
CIA: “No…NO, this is the CIA.”
Foley: “Ooooookaaaay…whatever you say.  What can I do you for?”
CIA: “I’m sure you’ve heard of the local church planning the Koran burning this coming weeke-”
Foley: “Now, hold on a minute; I need to stop you right there.  Let’s get something straight.  I don’t know nothin’ ’bout no church.  This is a Pepsi campus and none of this Christian activity is allowed here.”
CIA: “But, that guy Tebo…nevermind, ok, just hear me out for a minute.  A local Gainesville pastor is holding a Koran burning this weeken-”
Foley: “I’m invited?  Do I need to wear my hood?”
CIA: *audible scribbling heard during a pause* “Uhhhhh…no.  We’re actually afraid that the situation is going to cause some terroristic tendencies to target Gainesville activities this weekend.  You’re expecting a lot of people to come into town for the game, right?”
Foley: “You’re gotdam right we are!  200000+ mouth-breathing rednecks are invading for a weekend of debauchery and fail.  You want tickets and a tailgating spot?  I’m sure I can get you a spot at the Sonny’s on US 301…Real Pit BBQ, hoss!!”
CIA: “No, you’re not listening.  I think your fans will be in danger!  TERRORISTS WITH TOWELS ON THEIR HEADS MAY TRY TO BLOW YOU UP!”
Foley: “Interesting…go on.”
CIA: “We think this could be a serious security, safety, and life threat.  If this pastor’s handlebar mustache doesn’t cause a riot by itself, we’re afraid the burning of the Korans will make Gainesville a target.  And with all those excess people in town…can you just cancel the game?”
Foley: “Who do I send the invoice to for cleaning/replacing this fucking laptop I spit my Pepsi on?  Do you even know how sticky that shit is when it dries?  Last time that happened, I sent ol’ Urb an email about re-signing him, but that squirrely dash button was stuck and I typed ‘resigning’ to him…pussy had a heart and brain attack and took a leave of absence.  Anyways, are you fucking kidding me?  Listen, maybe you’re not aware of the gravity of the situation here.  We don’t just cancel a game.  The terrorists have to blow some shit up BEFORE we even consider moving a game.  Do you need me to Google ’9/11/2001 Tennessee @ Florida’ for your dumbass?”
CIA: “Look, I understa-”
Foley: “You don’t understand NOTHIN’!  We ain’t cancelin’ no fucking ga…wait a minute…how hard would it be to move that church to Tallahassee?”
CIA: *sigh*

/fin

Mark Mizerle06

Senior writer and editor at TVF, East Tennessee born and raised, fueled by tasty burritos with hot salsa, and intimate lover of college football. You can holler at me via mizerle06@gmail.com.

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